On Observance
This is a subject that is somewhat difficult for me to discuss for a number of reasons. It is much harder than coming out. When you are gay (or bi in my case… in case there was anyone left who wasn’t aware of this fact about me, there you go. I mean, since we’re being honest here) it is something that can be presented at least as just who you are, an essential part of you, and you can ignore anyone who tries to make you justify it. Sexual orientation is not something that, in most of modern society (at least in the contexts in which I usually find myself), one must justify.
Religious observance is.
I didn’t start to put on tefillin until I got here. I didn’t because I was scared. I was scared of people seeing me take on a new observance, even though it is perfectly normative for women to do so within The Conservative Movement. The even scarier step was beginning to wear a tallit katan.
Last night I was over at my friends Juan and Abby’s for dinner. I mentioned them yesterday… I met them at Kedem on Shabbat. They are both rabbinical students at JTS and are wonderful people and I think very good friends for me to have. Abby wears a tallit katan with her tzitziot hanging out. I wear mine tucked in for now. She asked me why I started to wear a tallit katan, and I had to tell her that I decided years ago that it was something that I should do, and that I was always too scared to do so till now.
Years. I have been holding off on this practice because of my fear for years.
At Hillel’s place on shabbat at one point I got up to go to the bathroom. Hillel handed me a box of tissues and told me “Oh, you’ll need this. The paper in there isn’t cut.” This is in reference to the fact that one is not supposed to tear paper on shabbat, so frum Jews will either use facial tissues or pre-cut the toilet paper before shabbat. In my family, we don’t worry about this. In my family, we don’t worry about a lot of things. But… this is a little difficult to explain… I was sincerely touched by the gesture, though I’m sure he didn’t think it especially significant. I was touched my friend was making it easy for me to be observant. I have had so little of this in my life, where every observance is a fight and a struggle and a source of… I’ll just come out and say it… of shame. Telling an old friend that I wear tzitziot makes my face go hot. When I daven in my room here in the apartment I am gripped with fear that the man with whom I am staying (who has known me since earliest childhood) will knock on my door… because I will have to either say “Not now please” which is rude, or interrupt my tefillah and open the door and have him see me in my tallis and tefillin… which is a terrifying prospect to me.
All this is made somewhat more complicated because I am a woman and the most visible observances I am trying to take on are traditionally those of men. Most Orthodox Jews believe that women are exempt (and therefore implicitly forbidden) from wearing tzitziot and tefillin and from praying three times a day (something that I am working myself up to). No one is, strictly speaking, required to cover their head, but most Orthodox men take the custom as law because it is so prevalent. Women are not considered obligated in this unless they are married and then they are expected to cover their hair. I cover my head much in the manner that men do (though sometimes I will wear a scarf which makes me look married) and for the reasons that men do (to be reminded of “what is above us” and to remember observance) and many look upon this disapprovingly as a matter of בגד איש (beged ish) or a woman wearing the clothing of a man, which is not permitted. (I don’t have a problem with בגד איש. I do not think that there necessarily is even such a thing as בגד איש. We can talk about matters of fluid gender another time.)
Were I a man taking on these observances, folks on the street wouldn’t look twice. And that is, in fact, part of why I feel that I should take on these observances. If someone were to ask me why I wear tzitziot, the first think I wonder is “if I were a man, would you ask me the same question?” It is of course important to be able to explain why you do these things, but if the only question is why I, a woman, would do such a thing… well then it is time to assert my egalitarianism, isn’t it?
I think that I will continue this line of thought later.
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