So here I am.

What does that mean?

Remember when I was 15 (maybe you don’t, but I do) and I first had that crazy thought that maybe I wanted to go to rabbinical school? Remember how the second I began to show an interest in Judaism, people started to assume, without my saying anything, that I was headed for rabbinical school? Remember how I came to a realization then that this was precisely what was creating the oft-lamented gap between the laity and the rabbinate, that as soon as a young person shows interest they are pushed towards the rabbinate? Remember how much it pissed me off, and how as a result I became adamant that I would not go to rabbinical school, that I would start a counter-trend and remain part of the laity? Remember how that idea failed?

So here I am. In rabbinical school. Failure. Loser. Clergy (to be).

Part of the problem.

Well, I figured out where the other people like me are. Those people around my age who decided that they wanted active and authentic Jewish lives, were ideologically pretty much in line with the Conservative Movement, but frustrated with the lack of like-mindedness of the Jews In The Pews. The ones that succeeded in not going to rabbinical school.

They’re post-denominational. Gosh darn it.

What frustrates me so immensely about post-denominationalism is that this demographic of people, this group of engaged active Jews interested in practice and prayer, these are exactly the people most needed by the Conservative Movement. What is their reason for not wanting to be a part of the Conservative Movement? Not wanting to go to Conservative shuls? They don’t want to be there because the other people like them aren’t there. Where are they? At the post-denominational minyan. Why? Because that’s where they all are.

They seem to see no need to put in the work to revitalize the Movement that fosters the institutions that sustain them. They see the old guard, the leftovers of the suburban age of Conservative Judaism (which I think/hope is ending) and they jump ship thinking that even if they could change something, it’s not their responsibility to do so.

It’s mine. And sometimes I feel very very alone.